im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
