Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
