Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
