ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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