and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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