Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
