I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this just has baby written all over it
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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