its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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