Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
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I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize