Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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