I bet he comes in French.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
