I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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