This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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