I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
