Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
