We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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