She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
