If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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