He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
