my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.