Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon