I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
