you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
