I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
