I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
