Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
