We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So much Jack, so little girl.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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