I've blown a few things in my day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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