i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
