I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
