I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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