Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
