fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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