rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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