the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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