i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
