Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
