You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
