my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
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how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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