I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
