But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
