Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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