I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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