Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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