Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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