I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
