I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize