you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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