Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
