im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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