he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
