Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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