I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
