Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
