My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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