paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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