can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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