I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
