Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How does one acquire holy water?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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