Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
