I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
