I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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